My Truth

Mama, Tell Me a Story: 

What makes a story empowering to someone else? I think it is when the writer shares their vulnerabilities with their audience; they share their truth. 

My truth is that I had a miscarriage six months before I got pregnant again with my daughter. It was early on in my pregnancy, but it doesn't hurt any less. I was so excited to be a mother, then I went in for the first ultrasound appointment with my husband; the technician told me that the fetus had no heartbeat and there was no new measurable growth. I went through every emotion imaginable. I was confused, shocked, sad, angry, frustrated, and anxious. I was terrified that what happened was my fault, but mostly I was frustrated that I would never know the cause of my miscarriage. 

This type of grief occurred in stages for me. The first one was shock and denial. The technician told my husband and I about the miscarriage and I was numbed. I was waiting to wake up from the dream, hoping that this wasn't happening to me. Second, I felt guilty and blamed myself. I felt that I wasn't taking care of myself well enough or I wasn't drinking enough water. I just had to keep reminding myself that the miscarriage wasn't my fault or anyone else's; sometimes bad things just happen. Third, for the first couple of weeks I did feel depressed and hopeless and the fear that I would never be a mother crept its way into my brain. Finally, I have reached the acceptance stage. I have acknowledged that this happened and I am sharing what I have learned with other people. 

I know that the grieving process is not linear and that I am going to have good days and bad days, but it will get better and I will be a parent someday. 

"I AM NEVER ALONE." 

(Joshua 1:9)